"All life is an experiment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The World is off on a “Where’s Pepper search”

As of the moment, the Internet feels as though it has lost its appeal to me.
Somehow, all those that I’ve been planning to escape from now venture into my highly protected world of the World Wide Web. And now, there is simply nowhere left to run to except to hide offline – where nobody is looking because they are busy scouring the world.
I believe this may be the fault of Facebook. That evil website has coerced family members, relatives, and real life friends to be acquainted with my true life online. How, pray tell, does this soul who is used to running online find the peace that she has sought out for so long? Suffice it to say, nothing is safe anymore. No matter how many email addresses are being changed or created, nobody can escape Google.
Oh Google. I loved you with all my heart and soul. Yet here you are, bringing those who wish to harm me right to my doorstep.
I blame myself most of all. My digital footprint is just too big to hide. I wish it were not so. But this is the reality I must face.
I want to cry.
Where else can I go to?
Everywhere else has been occupied.
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[Day 8] Your favorite Internet friend

Ever dearest Paprika,

Thank you for being the first person to make my day extra special. 🙂

You are my favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite Internet friend. But you must remember that you are not JUST my Internet friend, because our friendship is something that transcends through the World Wide Web and is as true as can ever be. I consider you as close as my sister – perhaps even closer, and a very good friend.

I guess the “Internet” part of the whole equation simply indicates that although we have known each other for almost 3 years now, we have not spoken on the phone, nor have we even seen each other in person. Isn’t that neat? I think we have proven to the rest of the world that friendship can happen even without physical meeting or something like that.

I think it is an awesome thing. But I do hope that someday we could meet each other in person. LOL Not that it would be a total waste if we did not see each other, but it would be a shame though to fail to meet despite all these years. 🙂

Thank you for spending my special day with me. It means a lot to me, and I hope next year we will still be spending wee hours in the morning talking about nonsense and sharing good finds. Thank you for treating me as though I just might be your long lost sister, and thanks for all the blessings you have shared with me. I truly could not have asked for more.

I love you, Paprika!

Thank you so much!

XOXO,

Pepper

[Day 7] Your Ex-boyfriend

Dear Kaffir Lime,

How are you? You know who you are because I only have one ex, and that is you.

I’d like to shake your hand to say congratulations. I hear you are a father now? Wait, strike that. I know you are a father now because I’ve seen you with your child a couple of times already. No, I was not stalking you or whatsoever.

I know this may sound weird, but I’ve dreamt a couple of times imagining how I would talk to you if I had a chance to do so. Last time we talked a bit, I believe that was when Nutmeg was still 2 years old. Prior to that, I think the encounter happened when I was still pregnant with Cinnamon, which was quite a long time now I suppose.

Do you remember everything that happened before that? I do. I have tried to wipe you out of my system, really. But I guess it is hard to do that totally because you were my first boyfriend after all. Naturally, all that I ever learned in order to make my relationship with Salt work was patterned after my experience with you. So I do have you to thank for giving me the tools to find a wonderful partner.

I know you wanted us to get back together. You called, right? But I was already two months in a relationship with Salt then. I could have left him then and there. After all, we did stay together for almost a year. I could have left Salt if I wanted to. But I did not want to leave him for you. I don’t think I ever will.

Deny this if you will, but I think you still cared about me even four years after we broke up. Hah. I know, I sound confident, but then again, I am. You know why? Because even though our worlds were far apart, when news hit you that I was pregnant with Nutmeg, you were one of the first few people who went straight to my friends to confirm if it is true. I could say you were being nosy, bitter, and all, but I prefer to think you simply cared for me. Thank you. I am fine by the way.

I don’t hate you. I did for a while, but it was my decision to leave. I hated you because you replaced me within a month after we broke up. I hated you because… dude, you replaced me with HER? You could have done so much better. I hated you because you continued to treat me as though I was your girl even though we broke up, and yet you had your main squeeze. Did she give you what you never got from me? LOL If she did, then congratulations!

It just feels sad though. I heard and saw, that after we broke up, you were not exactly the same person I fell in love with. Or perhaps you were right. You did say that I made you a better person when I was around, but that you felt like you had to be good for me. You also said that you were forced to do good things because I wanted you to do so, and that was a problem for you. So I guess you were not so broken when I left after all. You were already in your broken state but you refused to be helped out by me. So guess that would be it.

Lengthy, lengthy, lengthy. I should stop now while I am ahead.

I saw you last Friday. Did you see me? You look like crap by the way. You should take a shower, cut your hair, and smile often. Be a good father for your little boy, okay? You said you hated your father for ditching you and your mom. Well, now is the time for you to make sure your kid does not suffer what you went through.

I should go. The kids are waking up. I can’t say this is the last time I’ll think of you. For what it’s worth, I did love you during those months we were together. But it was gone before we ended. However, you will always have that special place in my heart. After all, you are my first and only ex-boyfriend. How neat is that? 🙂

Take care then.

Pepper

[Day 6] A Stranger

Hello friend,
Come, sit. Let’s have tea. Perhaps you would prefer a cup of Joe instead?
Scary isn’t it? Knowing that you and I have not yet met, yet it seems we’ve known each other forever. It starts with these small things, doesn’t it? Coffee? Tea? A quick tweet over mundane topics such as music, life, sex, or books. Makes you wonder how big or small the world is, yet it brings people together as though they live right next to each other.
So how goes it?
They say strangers are possible freaks and murderers, but you are not any of that right? Besides, I hardly know you so I am not one to make judgments.
I would love to be your friend, but you have to realize that I have these tendencies that often drive people up the wall. I’ve tried to please people more than once, but I’ve grown tired from the effort I had to exert. If you have no patience with me, I will still call you friend. You can call me anything you want.
Let’s not be strangers and go straight to friends. Although friends and strangers can enjoy the same non-specific conversations, it would be good to think that you are conversing with a newfound friend.
So what now, stranger?
Shall you meet me again tomorrow? Another cuppa tea? I’ll bring cake!
Hope all is well.
Pepper

I FAIL, but I refuse to FALL

So I failed the daily posting of letters. Heh. Sorry for that. I kept your hopes up.

I had these series of problems escalating over electricity lines and Internet speed. God knows how hard I have tried to fight these things, but I guess sometimes you cannot help but accept defeat.

Still, I plan to continue making those letters because those letters actually help me unwind and get me through even the most difficult of days.

I refuse to fall miserably. Though I did fail on making the daily posts, I will not let this hinder me from continuing the posts.

I shall post the next one in a bit!!

Shall you be here when I call next?

[Day 5] Your Dreams

Ever dearest dreams,

Where are you?

Somehow along the path of dirty laundry, dishes, and motherhood, I seem to have lost you along the clutter. Hmmm.. Is that a bad thing I guess. I read somewhere though that despite all challenges and curve balls that life throws at us, we should never EVER fail to dream.

I guess in most cases you could say.. I dream a dream for my children’s future. I dream a dream that they would be well in life. I dream a dream that they would also learn from experiences and be better people despite all challenges that life may bring. I dream a dream of them being simply happy. That is all that a mother can ask for.

So, what now dear dreams? Shall I take this time of indulging in my own dreams? Hmm.. I think it is so challenging. Well, challenging and hard as well. But I shall let myself go and dream on, wayward son. LOL Okay? Let’s go!

  • I dream of being a professional photographer. I do not necessarily need a dSLR to be a professional photographer, but I do not want to be a serious photographer really, but one who has galleries and stuff, and just people who like my work. Heehee
  • I want to own a cafe / library where people can purchase books and even read them while at the cafe. I want a nook where there are quaint little chairs with coffee and drinks, and ambiant sounds. And and and.. well, you get the drift. Don’t steal my idea!!
  • I also dream of travelling the world. I really wanna see Ireland, San Antonio (Texas), Italy, London, and Bora Bora (somewhere in the Caribbean?).
  • I also dream of owning a vintage muscle car: Chevy Impala 1967 to be exact.
  • I dream of having a super fast computer, my own library / study, and my own house. I have already an idea what my house would be whenever I get to actually building it.
  • Oh and I always dream that I would be sexy. But then again that’s one thing that never happens. LOL

Anyway, it was really good to open up to you again dreams. Then again, I could always write to you, right? You don’t cost a thing… 🙂 As what this song from Kamikaze goes, “libre lang mangarap.” Indeed it is free!

So…

Till next dreamscape… Walk with me once again, okay?

XOXO,
Pepper

[Day 4] Your Sibling

Dear J1 and R,

Thank you for being wonderful siblings. Okay, I know I have five more siblings I could write to, but I would like to make this extra special my sending you a quick note even online.

I know it is hard knowing that you have a sibling who is not exactly 100% yours. Still, having different fathers is not really a big deal, if you think about it because these things happen all the time to all families. So, fear not.

While I do understand that sometimes you find it hard to explain to friends, classmates, and neighbors how you have an elder sister who they have never ever seen before, I do appreciate the fact that you do acknowledge me instead of just saying that I do not exist. Seriously, it means a lot to me that you acknowledge my existence and you even insist on putting it on paper – although this is really not advised.

Now that both of you are old enough to stand on your own. I hope that you will make sure that our mother is well cared for. She loves all of you so much, which is why she has done all those things that may not be desirable for all of us. Life is hard, and sometimes you have to make choices and sacrifices that affect everybody – good or bad.

Remember that should you need anything, you know where I am and you know you can call me anytime at all.

Be wise in all that you do, and think twice before doing anything rash or you know… something that would make mom hit the roof. LOL

ILY.

XOXO,
Ate Pepper